28 May 2012

On Waiting...

It's only been three days since I sent the first letter to my birth mother. Tell you what, it feels like three weeks!

My precious letter is at this very moment making it's merry way towards the other side of the world - literally - so I know it has not yet arrived. I know that generally, a letter will take about a week to get there. I am trying to decipher how I am feeling, but it's rather difficult... Really I'm trying not to think about it. When I do, my fears start to creep in. There's even a little bit of terror in there.

It's really a very humbling process. Write a letter and then let go of it. Give it to someone else [the postal service] to get it to her. And I guess that's why it's so very humbling - this process is now completely out of my hands. Even if I wanted to stop it, I can't. I HAVE to trust God. Otherwise I think I will actually go crazy. I must trust in the Author of Life to take the letter and get it there. I am thankful that I have every reason to trust Him; He's brought me this far already.

It feels like I'm in a strange sort of limbo. The letter's gone now, but it's not yet arrived. I wonder if I'll feel different after enough time has passed for it to have arrived? I'm finding it hard to put my mind to the tasks I need to do here at home, to care for my family and my home. It feels a little like I'm floating in space, flailing my arms and legs around, trying to get my balance. I can't help but feeling like I'm balanced on the edge of a precipice, but it's less of a precipice and more of a new road. I think that whatever happens, I will be changed. Somehow.


 source

Possibly that's hard for a non-adopted person to understand?

Maybe I'll try and nut that out in words when my youngest two aren't both crying in their beds to be picked up! (Well, one's crying, the other's moaning!)

**Edit** Reading this back, I think I sound a little stand-off-ish. Like, 'you're not adopted so you don't know.' That was not my intention and I apologise. I had written the above paragraphs when Mr Nearly 4 went very noisily to the toilet and woke Little Miss and Mister up so I tried to finish off quickly.What I was thinking was that being adopted but not knowing my birth parents is very much a part of who I am as a person, as I'm sure any other adopted person in the same boat could agree to. I know I will be changed by this process because learning about this wonderful woman who bore me alters what I know about myself in a very fundamental way. THAT'S what I was trying to say!

I will stop here and attempt to reconnect to the real world. Wish me luck.


Next post in this series On Still Waiting.

Previous post in this series:
On Contacting Her...

4 comments:

  1. I am thinking of you and your letter all the time, and praying for the Lord to give you patience as you play this waiting game. Not being adopted I can't possibly imagine what it must be like, though I have waited with another friend when she sent a letter to her adopted father and we spent many hours and days 'fulling in time' while she waited with bated breath for a response.

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  2. YAY! THANK YOU for your feedback! Seriously. I was getting a little worried at the lack of interest, but you have made it all worthwhile!

    I cover the basics of all the things you mentioned, so hopefully you'll be able to follow along.

    Feel free to email me at sophieslim@moo2.co.nz if you have any specific questions :D

    I would say you have a great landing space - you have a photo with a little description about you. One suggestion would be to add a popular posts feature. I've done mine manually because I didn't like my most popular posts (reviews and silly things). You can do that easily by going into your google template and adding a new widget called "popular posts". Just select how many you want to display, save it, then chose where on your sidebar you want to display it (i'd suggest underneath everything you have there now)

    :)

    By the way, I've said this before and i"ll say it again. i think you're so brave :)

    xx

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  3. I think, although different circumstances, many of us can relate to the unknown, the feeling of sailing out into the air and waiting for the pull of the parachute opening - stuck in free-fall... from your words I can totally understand this sense you are having... thinking of you, hoping the wait is no longer than it has to be and praying for your trust to be enlarged in the process. As far as you can re-call the times past where you have been guided and given hope and answers - in the remembering our trust and hopefulness grows xxxx

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  4. Oh wow, you do have a lot going on - I'm going to pop back later after making tea and read some more. Thanks so much for sharing. I will pray for you. x

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I love to read your comments very much. xxx