It's only been three days since I sent the first letter to my birth mother. Tell you what, it feels like three weeks!
My precious letter is at this very moment making it's merry way towards the other side of the world - literally - so I know it has not yet arrived. I know that generally, a letter will take about a week to get there. I am trying to decipher how I am feeling, but it's rather difficult... Really I'm trying not to think about it. When I do, my fears start to creep in. There's even a little bit of terror in there.
It's really a very humbling process. Write a letter and then let go of it. Give it to someone else [the postal service] to get it to her. And I guess that's why it's so very humbling - this process is now completely out of my hands. Even if I wanted to stop it, I can't. I HAVE to trust God. Otherwise I think I will actually go crazy. I must trust in the Author of Life to take the letter and get it there. I am thankful that I have every reason to trust Him; He's brought me this far already.
It feels like I'm in a strange sort of limbo. The letter's gone now, but it's not yet arrived. I wonder if I'll feel different after enough time has passed for it to have arrived? I'm finding it hard to put my mind to the tasks I need to do here at home, to care for my family and my home. It feels a little like I'm floating in space, flailing my arms and legs around, trying to get my balance. I can't help but feeling like I'm balanced on the edge of a precipice, but it's less of a precipice and more of a new road. I think that whatever happens, I will be changed. Somehow.
Possibly that's hard for a non-adopted person to understand?
Maybe I'll try and nut that out in words when my youngest two aren't both crying in their beds to be picked up! (Well, one's crying, the other's moaning!)
**Edit** Reading this back, I think I sound a little stand-off-ish. Like, 'you're not adopted so you don't know.' That was not my intention and I apologise. I had written the above paragraphs when Mr Nearly 4 went very noisily to the toilet and woke Little Miss and Mister up so I tried to finish off quickly.What I was thinking was that being adopted but not knowing my birth parents is very much a part of who I am as a person, as I'm sure any other adopted person in the same boat could agree to. I know I will be changed by this process because learning about this wonderful woman who bore me alters what I know about myself in a very fundamental way. THAT'S what I was trying to say!
I will stop here and attempt to reconnect to the real world. Wish me luck.
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On Contacting Her...