But my mind seems so have turned to jelly. I'm not good at processing strong emotions; my brain tends to stop ticking over... I feel so many things about this process. About B. About beginning to have a relationship beyond that day 26 years ago. So many things.
I feel like I have so much to tell her, and yet nothing at the same time. I want to share who I am and what my heart is, but at the same time I feel like I've got very little to tell? A friend advised me to tell her about myself and what I've been doing and I begin to feel like a bit of a loser because I haven't done anything particularly impressive in or with my life, while at the same time feeling stupid for feeling that because I have three amazing human beings before me who I am pouring my life into and that's 1000% more amazing than travelling the world or discovering the cure for cancer. Phew, that was a long sentence!
I want to tell B how absolutely over the moon I was to receive her letter. How excited I am that she wants to know me. How blessed I feel for the decisions she made for my life. How much snooping I've done about her family to be able to find her. (Not a stalker, promise!) How I'm not ready to share my totally unique surname yet (my husband's family are the only ones of our name in NZ and Australia!) because while I absolutely don't want to hide from her, I do want to be able to get to know each other on even terms, like we would in a normal conversation, without her having read all about my life via this space. How desperately I would love to meet her and her family. Soon. How I have so many questions but don't want to pressure her in to answering them all.
How do I say everything I want to say with out gushing, stumbling awkwardly over my words (like I do in real life), writing a 100-page long epistle or sounding like a doofus? I feel vulnerable and young and silly.
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