10 October 2012

On Writer's Block...

I've just calculated that it's been 8 weeks since I received a reply from B. 8 weeks! I didn't mean to take so long. I was so excited to get her reply and fully intended to sit right down and write back within the week.

But my mind seems so have turned to jelly. I'm not good at processing strong emotions; my brain tends to stop ticking over... I feel so many things about this process. About B. About beginning to have a relationship beyond that day 26 years ago. So many things.

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I feel like I have so much to tell her, and yet nothing at the same time. I want to share who I am and what my heart is, but at the same time I feel like I've got very little to tell? A friend advised me to tell her about myself and what I've been doing and I begin to feel like a bit of a loser because I haven't done anything particularly impressive in or with my life, while at the same time feeling stupid for feeling that because I have three amazing human beings before me who I am pouring my life into and that's 1000% more amazing than travelling the world or discovering the cure for cancer. Phew, that was a long sentence!

I want to tell B how absolutely over the moon I was to receive her letter. How excited I am that she wants to know me. How blessed I feel for the decisions she made for my life. How much snooping I've done about her family to be able to find her. (Not a stalker, promise!) How I'm not ready to share my totally unique surname yet (my husband's family are the only ones of our name in NZ and Australia!) because while I absolutely don't want to hide from her, I do want to be able to get to know each other on even terms, like we would in a normal conversation, without her having read all about my life via this space. How desperately I would love to meet her and her family. Soon. How I have so many questions but don't want to pressure her in to answering them all.

How do I say everything I want to say with out gushing, stumbling awkwardly over my words (like I do in real life), writing a 100-page long epistle or sounding like a doofus? I feel vulnerable and young and silly.

writer

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4 comments:

  1. sit down, write it all on paper (or computer) then take out what you dont feel comfortable sending?

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  2. I think your birth Mama would love to hear about your three gorgeous human beings you've been spending your time raising (instead of curing cancer, which i'm sure you could do ;) )

    I agree with Donna, Have a pray about it and begin writing. Its always the hardest to get the first words down, but much easier to edit and chop and add new bits in :)

    x

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  3. Wow Jess everything I was thinking when reading this was your next sentence. Your kids!!!! Tell her about your wedding day about your kids .. .. ..

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  4. Bullet point all those topics you just mentioned, and write bits and pieces when you think of something to add, then go back to it and edit it all into something that mostly makes sense.

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I love to read your comments very much. xxx